


Quadrant Vacillation

by Arualiaa



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Black Romance, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Kinda?, M/M, Quadrant Confusion, Quadrant Vacillation, Red Romance, Sadstuck, Veilstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-22 15:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/915032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arualiaa/pseuds/Arualiaa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One particular John Egbert finds himself trying to be "kisme-whatevers" with Karkat Vantas. The problem?  John actually loves him, and he thinks it's the only way to be with him.<br/>Quadrant problems ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quadrant Vacillation

**Author's Note:**

> > Be the author  
> Your name is ARUALIAA. At least, that’s your PEN NAME. Your chum handle is pastartPhilosopher and you hate three things: self-promoting, sarcasm, irony, and the third is being mentioned in a few lines.   
> You are this fanfiction’s author, as it was previously said. This sudden self-insertion isn’t pointless, you must say. It was just a probably failed attempt to make the Author’s Note funnier. And an almost Strider-level ironical way to warn your readers about how much you loathe writing in second person perspective, as it makes you really uncomfortable and go all like ‘OHMYGODTHEREARESOMUCHYOUSTHEREITDOESNTSOUNDRIGHT’ and therefore, you get paranoid trying to make minimal use of the word ‘you’. Oh, no, you did it again! …and again. Ugh. You think the readers got the point. You hope they understand, and don’t be too bothered about the weird perspective changes that may occur in future fanfictions, as well as in this one. You’ll always make sure and try hard that they make sense. Which is pretty hard since you tend to write slight AU thingies, because there appear characters that are supposed to be dead, and shit. And heck, even YOU don’t make sense anyway. Speaking of this fanfiction, you’ve had the idea for a while, even since it’s been kind of exploited by other people already. But you might give it a chance and try to write it from your point of view.
> 
> > Arualiaa: stop glubbin’ around and start writin’ the DAMN T)(ING already, gurl!  
> You decide to do just that. Sassy omniscient voices are never to be disobeyed, as their Vast Clapping Between Words may destroy the whole paradox space as we know it.   
> After all the hornbeast-shit going on here, the mood needs to be settled. How can you separate your pathetic excuse for a humor-ish Author’s Note from the raw angst? A simple space will do just fine, you guess.

A young man is standing in front of his co-friendleader’s bedroom door. His hair, jet black, in front of his eyes, a pair of square glasses, his body, in his late teens, covered with a blue long-hooded outfit. The hand of the young man was hesitantly hovering in front of it, deciding whether to knock or not.

 _Come on, man up, you can do this Egbert,_ he thought as he gulped, trying to swallow his uneasiness. Pushing his glasses up on his nose, a thing he tended to do when he was nervous, he knocked softly.

The door opened and an angry gray-skinned being, whose kind was called trolls, started yelling at this young man without even looking at him. He was holding a considerably large book open in his clawed hands.

“The grubloving FUCK would you WANT now, Sollux? I swear to whoever the hell your gog might be that if you are here to attempt to mock at me using your oh so awesome programming skills, I’ll grab your disgusting shame globes and make a four-wheeled device run over them until you fucki-“ the troll stopped abruptly when he noticed who was standing in front of him, expression turning into slight surprise, blinking a few times, and back into a frown again. The young human male wanted to think that it had softened a little. “Egbert? What on Alternia are you doing here? I’m busy.”

“Uh… Karkat, hi…!” the so-called Egbert boy struggled to say something coherent.

“Is that all you are going to say? ‘Uh Karkat fucking hi’?” The other male spat, while running  his hand through his also raven hair impatiently.

“Eh… no, I… hehehehehehehehe… I… um, yeah… I actually wanted to talk to you about something…” The human young man fought back a blush that was threating to show, being taken aback by the troll’s attitude at the same time.

“Hm? Speak up. I told you I’m busy, you little shit.” He pointed the book in his hands with a yellow claw. The title read ‘~ATH - A HANDBOOK FOR THE IMMINENTLY DECEASED’, in English.

 _In all caps. It fits him_ , the human couldn’t help but think. If he had smiled, it would have been a bitter smile.

“Can we… just go inside?” It felt easier that way. It wasn’t a subject to be discussed in the middle of the corridor, where everyone was listening.

The person in front of him just sighed, and stepped aside silently, letting him in. His features were still twisted in a frown.

_What did I ever do to him? He leaves me no choice…_

“It better be something important, I don’t have all day” The troll said, without noticing that the human was silently cursing his luck.

 

 

But wait. Let’s rewind that a little. How did our trusty young man end up in this situation? To begin with, why don’t we start with his name? The human’s name was John Egbert, but in SBURB he was known as the Heir of Breath. SBURB just happened to be a hellish game he and his human and troll friends were playing, but that’s another story.

John was the humans’ team leader. Or, kind of. He didn’t want to be called like that. Anyway, there was this other guy who was the leader of the trolls’ group. Karkat Vantas, the Cancer troll, the Knight of Blood.

He was a nice guy, he really was! They two have even been really good friends. But somehow, their relationship had been falling down. Karkat would start to act rather aggressively towards him. Once again, he was like that with everyone, but his behavior around the human was starting to cross the line between his usual (and somewhat funny) rough manners and rants, and pure hatred. The Heir didn’t get why this happened, but it surely was inconvenient.

Inconvenient? That’s a weird choice of words, the reader might think. But that’s because they don’t know what was going on inside John Egbert’s head. Fear not, though, as they will know in the next paragraph.

John Egbert had been thinking about his ‘first’ conversation with the troll for a while. He had made an important statement in it, that being his sexuality. The next year, though, he wasn’t entirely sure about it. Time passed, and passed, and the teenager’s mind began to realize that in fact, he _was_ homosexual. The Heir talked about it to his fellow human friends, and their reactions were mostly positive. Rose’s bisexuality was already known, so it wasn’t a big deal. She told him that it was obvious, Dave patted his back and asked him if he was a girl now that he had a bunch of girl friends and a gay friend, and Jade gave a campion to the Knight of Time, dedicated him a few Karkat-like ranty insults, and hugged her brother proudly. The Heir wasn’t sure if he remembered it correctly, but he could swear that the girl had tears of joy behind her round glasses. She could be as emotional as Feferi sometimes, it was probably the reason why they got along so well, after going past each other’s differences.

 John had wanted to tell Vriska too, as she was his best friend among the trolls, but Rose discouraged him to do so. ‘It would hurt her, leave the situation as it is’ were her exact words. He didn’t understand it until he knew that the cerulean-blooded troll had a crush on him, or as they called it, ‘red feelings’. So he didn’t tell her, despite of how much he wanted to share that with the Thief. The human knew how much it hurt to be in that situation.

Yes, he loved someone too. But it wasn’t his patron troll. It was… _him_. The person his future self was trying to talk to a few paragraphs ago. Karkat. Just saying his name felt warm in his chest. He was head over heels, completely, desperately, foolishly and painfully in love. At first, it was nice just to be friends, laugh at each other’s faces when they said stupid things and sit together on the couch to watch equally stupid movies at night. Of course, that was the euphemism for ‘POPCORN FIGHT!!!!’, the cry that initiated war in all of those nights. But that, also, felt empty after a few months.

John himself felt empty too. When he realized that friendship wasn’t enough. When he cried himself to sleep, whispering the Knight’s name, only to dream that Karkat was hugging him softly, wiping his tears, telling him that it was alright, that everything was, that he loved him. Awakening of these dreams was always painful, realizing that they weren’t real, that he was alone in his bedroom.

It reached a point when the Heir thought he was going insane. Was he going to go grimdark like Rose? He didn’t even care anymore.

And when John thought that things couldn’t be worse, Karkat started to act strangerly towards him. First, avoiding him. But shortly after, whenever they were in the same room, the troll glowered at him and he could swear that it was like he was growling deep in his throat, but his mouth was always shut, so it was hard to tell. The Heir didn’t get it. Why? It was the only thing that crossed his mind when Karkat flashed his fangs or spoke to him with harsh words. As previously said, it was really inconvenient. At least, he was friendly towards him before. He could cling to that. But now, the only thing he received from his loved one and former friend was hatred. Raw, deep hatred. And he didn’t even know why.

The other trolls seemed to know, though. When Nepeta asked him if they were kismesis, it hit him. Maybe… it was what the Cancer wanted? But… was he ready for that? Was he THAT desperate for the troll? To the point to try some kind of one-sided masochistic twisted love-hate alien relationship that could cost him his mental health and stability? He decided that he was. It was worth a try, at least. The human thought that he had nothing to lose. Even if it probably was going to be aggressive, he would have to eat up his feelings, and pretend that he also felt that weird type of hate that was so close to attraction. It was the pay to price for what he craved.

 

 

His future self was struggling with his decision right now. As the Cancer’s impatient gaze was on him, probably wondering why he was wasting his precious time, John found it harder and harder to speak up. A lump was forming in his throat as he struggled to regain his composure, or what was left of it.

 _Oh, boy. Don’t. Don’t do this now. You’re supposed to be all hate-y and stuff. He’ll think you’re pulling a prank at him if you don’t sound convincing_.

“Uhhhhhhhh… Karkat… so… um.” The Heir’s voice sounded so husky it was almost unrecognizable, and he coughed it off.

“Spit it, asshole. This sounds like a fucking red feelings confession.” John’s heart skipped a beat at this. _Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Keep the act up, Egbert. Keep the act up._

“It’s not that, but… you’re on the right track.” As the troll’s face looked confused, he regretted those words. _Abort mission. Abscond the hell out of here._ “God, that was awkward… forget it” He quickly said before turning on his heel, ready to walk away as casually as he could. But a pair of hands prevented him to do so. His body was turned around against his will.

“No. Now you’re telling me.” Karkat’s hard gaze was against his, crimson against soft blue.

“Euh… heh… heheheheheh…” John found himself laughing nervously, and mentally smacked himself. _At least I’m not blushing… god_. He shook his head with a frown, snapping out of it, and forced himself to don’t say something stupid. “Do… do you remember our first conversation in your perspective…?”

The Knight of Blood reacted instantly. He pushed the human backwards with his body, and pinned him against the wall.

“Ouch!” The Heir yelped, when the back of his head knocked against the hard surface. That was the moment to try to act like he was supposed to. _Don’t make it sound awkward, don’t make it sound weakpleasepleaseplease_ “…a-asshole!” _Shit._

“I thought” The troll whispered coldly, baring his fangs “That we weren’t bringing that subject up ever again.”

_Okay. Don’t panic here John. It’s alright. But OMG HE ISN’T SWEARING THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG HERE DID I SAY SOMETHING THAT OFFENDED HIS WEIRD ALIEN MANNERS IS HE GOING TO KILL ME OR SOMETHING AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH_

“Ugh, give me a break, Karkat” The blue-eyed teenager struggled to come up with the right words, while trying to sound confident. _Let your inner Strider lead you, John. You are the love-hate-confessing master. It is you…  haha of course you’re not._  “It does have something to do with what I’m trying to say, you asshole”

Understanding flashed across Karkat’s features. “Are you implying that you are feeling fucking caliginous for someone? Who’s the unlucky poor being?”

“Who am I talking to?” The human’s attempt to make a joke out of it was half-hearted. “You’re… the most annoying guy I’ve ever met, and… I hate you.” He took a deep breath. Woah, that had been hard to say. He couldn’t lose his act though. He forced himself to look at Katkat as if he was looking at Bec Noir himself, challenging, solemn. “In that way.”

“Heh. Off they go, the stupid facts ‘humans can’t feel kismesissitude’ and ‘I’m not an homosexual, I swear!’ going down the waste chute. It took you long enough, even if you sounded as pathetic as Nitram while saying so.” The Cancer smirked, his pointy teeth sticking out, and licked his lips. It sent both a chill and a wave of heat though the Heir’s body.

The latter’s reply was muffled out by a pair of dark lips. Skin broken by razor sharp teeth, caressed first and unmercifully clawed next, ragged breath. An unwilling, hesitant mouth, biting back. Candy red blood carelessly spilled from both parties, but most of it coming from the human. Speaking of which, was being torn apart between two feelings: emotional and physical pain, and just knowing that _he_ was right there, holding him in _his_ arms. He could feel him, and it was far too intense to ignore it. It was like Dave or Aradia had frozen the time flow.

The Heir was tracing the troll’s grey back, feeling his sides, and the remaining scars of his extra set of legs. His hands weren’t harsh like his partner’s, they were needy, desperate. He longed the Knight’s warmth, his whole being. He hoped with all his might that Karkat wouldn’t notice the softness of his actions, and more importantly, the emotion behind them. _I love you, Karkat… I love you so much you’ve got no idea..._ just feeling him… it was so great.

He almost forgot how he had gotten into this situation, when a pair of clawed hands slashed through his skin slowly, arching his back. Maybe… he would like this over the time? He was no masochist, but… he admitted that the pain could be easily forgotten if they were that close, and Karkat was touching him, and… maybe the pain would merge with arousal at some point…? He didn’t know where his mind was getting to, and honestly he didn’t care. _I already lost it at the point when I even started to consider telling him this stupid thing._ He looked at the crimson eyes that were staring at him, almost hopeful that he would smile and tell him that all of this was stupid because he loved him back, and they could then cuddle and kiss softly and care about each other and whisper ‘I love you’ and maybe resume their intimate embrace, but in a loving gentler way, just like in his dreams, and they would be okay, he would be okay and everything would be okay. But no, only hate glowed in the troll’s eyes, and the human’s heart sank again.

 

 

Hours later, when John was back in his bedroom, he went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. Then, proceeded to examine his own reflection in the mirror. His neck was full of little wounds were the troll’s fangs had bit him. Further inspection under his shirt revealed that fresh claw marks were all around his pale body. It was like Karkat had marked him _his_. The Heir shuddered at the thought, and he felt his face warm.

_Oh, boy… this is going to be harder than I thought._

The human got out of the bathroom and threw himself against the bed, both physically and emotionally exhausted.

 

 

 

Days passed by, and it was, in fact, harder than John thought it would be. It was like his soul was slowly being drained out of him, and only a hollow shell remained. And it was soon to disappear too, if he kept losing his appetite. The others were already aware of their relationship, as he wasn’t able to conceal the wounds completely. The human wasn’t sure if it could even be called a relationship. Sure, he kind of got the whole concept of each quadrant, but in his mind the word ‘relationship’ was about love, and caring, and warmth, and enjoying each other’s presence, and trust, and stability, and happiness, and… just… not this. Not blood, not pain, not rough words.

“John? Are you alright? Is something bothering you, may I ask?” A clear, mature voice interrupted his thoughts.

“Huh? No, I mean yeah, sure, nothing’s wrong, Kanaya.” The Heir answered, pulling the hood of his god tier down over his face.

“I do believe that’s not the case. It seems quite obvious to me that you aren’t in your best emotional state. Your facial expressions reflect so.” The rainbow drinker replied softly, pulling the human’s hood off to see his face. “I am concerned about you, John. So are Vriska and your human friends. It has something to do with your caliginous quadrant with Karkat, doesn’t it?”

John didn’t reply. He didn’t find the right words. _Touchée._ His head simply nodded. Not that he cared about his feelings being found anymore. He had given up.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I understand that you don’t have black feelings towards him” The Virgo continued. Her face was serious but her tone was still soft. “In a normal situation I would have asked you what your motives could be to play with his feelings. However, it seems that you are the one being hurt here. You are barely nourishing yourself anymore.”

“You…” Oh, his voice. There it went. He continued, miraculously managing something above of a whisper. “You are right. I don’t hate him, Kanaya. I can’t. I doubt I ever could. I…” The Heir gulped, saying those words aloud in front of another person for the first time. “…I love him. Or whatever the verb that you guys use for that red quadrant thing. Ugh, you must think I’m stupid, don’t you.”

“I don’t, I assure you. But… if you are flushed for him, why would you accept to be in the black quadrant? I’m positive that you humans aren’t familiar with the concept of hopping quadrants, nor comfortable with it. Your case is quite explicative by itself.” The jade-blooded troll petted the human’s head, her eyebrows furrowed in worry. “It’s alright. You can tell me. I won’t move the slightest, I will stay here.”

Said human sighed, closing his eyes. _No wonder why Rose loves her so much. She surely knows how to make someone feel protected_. Kanaya was so kind… almost like a mother, the one he never had. Memories about his dad suddenly burst out. He missed him so much. _Would he be proud of me…?_ Those memories, his already aching chest, and the whole situation, just increased the lump in his throat, and the familiar stinging feeling in the back of his eyes. He was so close to crying…

“I-I’m sorry… I’d like to be alone for a while…” His voice was trembling.

“Are you sure about this? Will you be in good condition?” The Heir nodded. “Well… as you wish, then.”

And she left. John waited until she disappeared in a corner, and he started heading to his bedroom again. Once there, he closed the door and locked it. His gaze was empty, albeit a bit dark. But as soon as his body touched the bed, his almost Strider-like poker face broke. Tears rolled down his face, and he started shaking uncontrollably. His mind turned off, and the only thing he could do was letting muffled sobs against the pillow. He cried, and cried, and cried. And screamed, until his throat was raw. It was the first time he let himself let it out for months.

 

 

Hours passed, and he missed lunch. Kanaya came back again, knocking his door. He didn’t answer. Dave tried to make him open it too, and he was glad that John couldn’t see his totally uncool worried face. But there wasn’t an answer again. The Heir even heard Vriska’s voice asking him to _pleeeeeeeease_ _open the door John, this isn’t funny okay, we are worried about you_ , but she had all the bad luck in that. All of it.

He didn’t answer anyone. He couldn’t. The only thing he was able to at that point was laying there, worn and tired of existing. That was, of course, until he heard two more voices, muffled by the door. It was almost ten in the night, and he hadn’t gone outside since that morning. He recognized the aforementioned voices instantly.

“…ing do if he doesn’t show up, Jade.” A male voice said.

“I know, you don’t have to repeat everything to me like I’m stupid, fuckass!” A female replied.

“Hey, stop stealing that from me, I used it first, buldgesniffer.” The male grunted angrily, but in a quieter tone.

“Okay stop, we’re here for John, not to talk about your wide range of vocabulary.” The female ended. If the Heir had opened the door, he would have seen that she was rolling her eyes. After that, she knocked the door and began speaking in a softer tone. “John? Are you awake? You have us worried here…”

There was a long silence. The atmosphere was dense already. The male took the female’s place, and knocked the door again, in a less gentle manner than her.

“OKAY, YOU SHITSTAIN, I KNOW YOU’RE THERE!” He yelled, in a way so similar to his typing quirk. “JOHN FUCKING EGBERT, I SWEAR IF YOU DON’T PROVE TO US THAT YOU’RE ALIVE IN THIS VERY INSTANT, I’M TEARING AWAY THE BULDGESUCKING DOOR AND BREAKING THE FUCK IN. Fuck Harley’s powers.” The last line was more to himself than anything.

Said male’s familiar voice made John tear up again, quiet salty drops running across his face horizontally, as he was laying on his side. His heart stung in his chest, and he wasn’t sure why anymore. He was so confused. No. Dizzy was the word. The whole room was spinning, and he closed his wet eyes. That way, he couldn’t see what was going to happen next.

Outside of the room, Jade and Karkat made eye contact. The Witch nodded. “I’m… coming in.” She said quietly, and made herself appear at the other side of the door. The bucktoothed girl quickly turned on her heel, and unlocked the door from inside. Then, she proceeded to examine her brother as the slightly open door lit the room, and her heart sank. “Oh, no…” she whispered, barely audible.

The Alternian male behind her had a deer-in-the-headlights look. “Fuck, John… what the…”

The Heir curled himself in a ball and hid under the huge sky blue comforter, in an attempt to protect himself. He didn’t want to see them. He didn’t want to see anyone.

“Leave me alone… please…” He murmured from inside his shelter. His voice cracked at the end of the sentence.

“Like hell I’m leaving.” The Knight slowly walked to the bed in front of him, and sat down on it, eyes still wide. He looked at Jade beside him, and his crimson eyes, now glowing golden in the dark, spoke for him. The human perfectly understood her patron troll. They were arguing all the time, but somehow, they understood each other in that sort of non-verbal language. It was ironic that they used so many words to actually say nothing to each other, and the only time they really connected was through subtle gestures and meaningful stares. The Witch of Space left, closing the door behind her and leaving them alone in the darkness.

“Now,” The troll began. “You are going to tell me what the fuck is going on here. And this isn’t pale flirtation, I’m being serious.” His words were still harsh, but somehow, his tone wasn’t. That only made the human cry more, making him a shivery lump under the blankets.

_Don’t act like you care… please._

“Kar… kat…” The human tried to say, but he couldn’t get his voice to function properly.

Said troll grabbed the comforter and slowly pulled it off the other male’s face. John’s eyes were cloudy, staring at nowhere. But then they focused on Karkat’s glowing yellow and red orbs. Those blue eyes… they looked so hurt. The Knight grimaced at the human’s tears.

“Egbert…” He said, running a clawed hand through his own hair.

“…sorry… m’sorry… m’… sorry…” The human was mumbling endlessly with his eyes shut again, clearly avoiding his gaze. It calmed him down a bit, but he could still feel the troll’s stare.

“Dammit John, don’t you dare apologizing. You don’t have a reason to.” Karkat said. Wait… did he apologize out loud? John never heard him speak in such a quiet manner.

“Y-yes… I do… I… I fucked up... I fucked everything up” The Heir’s voice was shaky. “I… have to tell you something… but you will hate me if I do… I mean, like… hate hate… platonically, as you say…” He managed to explain.

“Huh…?” The troll uttered.

“I… Karkat, I… don’t hate you. I never have.” He let out, in a strangled tone. “I…  love you, I really love you, like in your stupid romcoms kind of love and this probably sounds stupid and I can’t take it anymore because it hurts so much and I know you hate me and-“

“Shhh. It’s okay.” The Knight interrupted him, putting a finger over his lips. “…why did you tell me you were feeling black, then?” Was his simple question.

“It… was the only way. The only way I could be with you. You were acting aggressively towards me, and…” The human confessed. “It was a selfish move… I guess that the pain is well deserved then…” He let a bitter laugh out. The tears had stopped, but the stinging feeling was there again.

“Selfish, my ass.” Karkat replied. “You’ve got guts. Even trolls avoid doing that, when they aren’t sure that the red feelings can be mutual at some point.”

“Then I guess I’m just stupid… heh…” His body felt cold and numb. He found himself not caring about what could happen next.

“No.” The troll closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I guess I can say it now… I did the same not that long ago. But it wasn’t exactly the same, it didn’t have that much of bad consequences… again, you’ve got guts.” He wasn’t cursing, and his voice was definitely… quieter. Softer. Gentler.

“…what?” The Heir’s confusion was over both facts: what Karkat was saying, and _how_ he was saying it. He never saw that side of him.

“There is a lot of technical stuff… I don’t think you want to hear it, seeing how confused you were by the quadrants…” The Knight of Blood gave him a look that he couldn’t quite decipher. “And… you need to rest now, you look like shit, no offence…” He seemed to regret those last words, by his expression.

“I don’t care about how shitty I might look right now, Karkat… tell me, please.” John had the feeling that no matter Karkat might say next, it would be better than just being like this. _Oh, stop being so pathetic. Just let him talk. Look, he’s opening his mouth again, let’s focus on that instead of your shitty hopeful schoolgirl thoughts._

“Are you familiar with the term quadrant vacillation…?” The Heir shook his head. “You see… trolls are driven by pity and hate, at least romantically. There’s no middle point. What I’m trying to say, is… that when a troll has strong feelings for someone, and they are fated to be together… those feelings won’t disappear.” Karkat was gesticulating in the air while he explained. “If they aren’t mutual, and one really wants to change them, our instincts will turn them the exact opposite, but never tone them down. That only can happen after a really bad relationship or the other one’s death. It’s a racial mechanism, it makes sure that two trolls that have to be together in a non-platonical way will at least fill one quadrant.”

“Oh…” The human’s head was still cloudy from crying so many hours, but he understood the basic point. “What… does this have to do with-?”

“A lot.” The troll interrupted. “John… what I said in our first conversation… it didn’t last long. It was only a first impression. I know, past self was a moronic asshole. But these feelings started becoming pity, and…” He paused, hesitantly. “Then we met. And you seemed so happy being friends. We couldn’t be moirails because that would mean cheating on Gamzee. And then… I didn’t want to, I really didn’t want to, but slowly those feelings turned caliginous, and…” The Knight paused again, taking a deep breath. “And you said you returned them. But I should have noticed that’s not how human romance works, your kind is really unlikely to feel that way, and… shit… I’m so stupid…”

John was shocked at Karkat’s confession. Did he say… that he loved him? No, wait… that he used to. Used to, dammit. Lousy goddamn stupid mind that only made everything more painful. The raven haired teen looked at the troll right in the eye completely speechless, or more like unable to find the right words to say.

“You are probably thinking how much of a useless piece of shit I am, aren’t you? Gog, what’s wrong with me? So bipolar I’ll surpass Sollux’s levels of idiocy any time soon, and you are going to platonically hate me, or maybe not so platonically and there is going to be more quadrant flickering, and AAAAAAAARGG” The troll rubbed his head with his claws through his rant, making his hair even messier. John couldn’t understand the weird growls and clicks that followed after. It seemed to be Alternian, and judging by the expression on his face, it probably had something to do with self-loathing, frustration, and lots of cursing.

The Heir didn’t know what to do. The troll looked like he really needed a hug. And to be honest, so did he. Badly.

Come on. It couldn’t hurt more than it was hurting now, right?

The human pulled him close in a tight embrace. He didn’t care about later. The only thing he could care of right now was the troll that he was hugging. His arms were wrapped around the Knight’s body, craving it, and he rested his head on the crock of his grey neck. His scent, his warmth, his presence… they were soothing. They felt real. Hot tears made its way through the Heir’s eyes again, but he didn’t care.

“John-” the troll began.

“Just… can we be like this for a while? Please…” He interrupted. Karkat didn’t answer, he just returned the hug silently.

The beating of their chests together was so close to John’s bittersweet dreams. He didn’t care if that twisted love-hate relationship would resume later, he didn’t care if thinking about this would be awkward when it was over, he didn’t care if Karkat would get mad at him. Because all of this was supposed to happen in the future. And that meant that he had the present to melt into a puddle of feelings in the floor. All of the present. All of it.

But that moment’s present finished, and the next moment’s present, the _later_ , came. After a long time of breathing against the troll’s gray neck in long, soft puffs, John pulled away. They stared at each other’s eyes.

“Why do you have to be so pitiable…?” The Cancer sighed.

“…what?”

“You did it again.”

“What did I do…?” John asked, more calm, but slightly confused.

“I think I’m red for you. …again.” He looked away. Were his cheeks a little red? John couldn’t see it clearly in the dark. “It’s okay if you’re mad at me…”

“Karkat…” John couldn’t help but smile, a little, genuine smile, and his eyes started to water.

“Oh crap, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, don’t cry, please…!” The troll rushed, eyes wide, while he wiped the single tear that was rolling down the human’s face carefully, aware of his claws.

“Those are tears of joy… I’m happy, idiot.” The Heir chuckled, but his voice came strangled from crying. He raised a hand and caressed Karkat’s gray cheek gently.

The Knight still had a worried look in his features, but smiled. John had never seen him smile before. He leaned in and kissed the Heir, softly. It was warm, slow, nothing like what they have shared before. John kissed back, their lips rubbing each other. It felt nice, and soothing.

When they opened their eyes and pulled away, everything felt in its place, it was like harmony ruled in their lives now. It was so peaceful.

“I love you, Karkat.” The human murmured.

“I love you too.” The Cancer replied, feeling the new word. It was more accurate than pity, he thought.

The Heir and the Knight just stayed like this, enjoying each other’s warmth, until they drifted off to sleep. A relationship had begun.

 

 

“Heh… I’m happy for these two. My brother and Karkat… nobody could predict that” A girl whispered, peeking inside the room from the slightly open door.

“Well, perhaps Rose could.” Her fellow Space Hero smiled fondly, her sharp fangs sticking out. “But I am glad too. Karkat finally found his significant other”

“You care a lot about him, don’t you?” Jade asked. “You look like his big sister sometimes, and I thought that his… uh, moirail, was Gamzee.”

“It’s… complicated. Almost genetic. I think that it comes from our Ancestors, but I suspect that other parties might be involved.” The Virgo sighed. “But that’s another, rather long, story. Would you join me to have some tea?”

“Tea at midnight?” The Australian feigned disapproval, but her eyes lit, betraying her. “Of course I want to! Hey, Kanaya, we could be midnight tea sisters! What would our name be? The Tea Team? The Space Sisters? The Midnight Crew?”

“I appreciate the idea, but I think that it would be better to let me do the name part” The troll chuckled softly.

The Sylph and the Witch quietly walked through the hallways to the kitchen, chatting about pointless things, and covering their mouths when they talked too loud, afraid to awake someone. A friendship had begun.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this a long time ago, and it was my first try at Sadstuck. I'm aware that it's not good, but I'd like to hear your opinions about it :)


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